Onion Season

When I'm not busy teaching children the importance of not pooing on the path I take to school each morning or perfecting the art of small talk with the men in the market (I can out-talk any meteorologist about the weather. I guarantee it), I've been preparing for my future. This week I have decided that I want to become a newswriter for The Onion. Perhaps you've heard ot it? Here are a couple of articles I recently wrote, yes, in my spare time (Lately "spare time" = between books). Do enjoy.

13 February 2008 - "States no Longer Wooed by Carrots"

Helena, MT - Lawmakers on capital hill find themselves baffled after repeated failed attempts to convince the state of Montana to lower its state speed limit from 80 to 75 MPH with the promise of two truckloads of carrots as incentive. "I just don't understand," says House Minority Whip Jack Scarborough R-NV, "Carrots have never failed us in the past. It's not like we're offering the state cabbage. Frankly, I am at a loss."

Congress has used carrots as a means of affecting policy changes at the state level for decades. For the first time, lawmakers are faced with the pressing question: If not carrots, then what? Sam Lungen, Montana resident and retired beet farmer sees it as a simple matter of benefit-cost analysis. "It's not that we don't like carrots. Shoot, we love 'em. I think I speak for the whole of this great state when I say that carrots are tasty, nuturitious, and an essential addition to any beef stew. But it's a question of quantity. Are we willing to sacrifice our right as Montanans to drive 80 MPH down I-90 for the sake of two truckloads of carrots? What do we look like? A bunch of Nebraskans?" When asked if three truckloads of carrots would do, Lungen responded, "now then we would have ourselves a deal!"

President of the Montana Institute for Ensuring that Montana Has and Always Will Have the Highest Speed Limit in the Country (MIEMHAWHHSLC) Sandra McCullen disagrees. "Cost-benefit or no, I still don't understand why the Federal Government is offering us produce. They would have better luck threatening us with a metaphorical big stick that would symbolize the imminent threat of suspending federal funding for our highways. We should have joined Canada when we had the chance."

For the moment, the speed limit in Montana remains unchanged. Given Congress' upcoming recess and its keen tendency to forget that Montana is actually a state in the union, few see the issue of carrot-based incentives being resolved any time soon.


14 February 2008 - "McCain Announces Prominent Zombie as Running-Mate"

Washington, D.C. - With the 2008 Presidential Primary election season in full swing, the remaining candidates in both the Republican and Democratic parties are vying for the essential delegate votes necessary to become their respective party's candidate. While the two Democratic candidates are locked in a tight race, the Republicans have all but settled on John McCain as their nominee for the election in Novemeber. After weeks of speculation as to who McCain would choose to share the presidential ticket, it has been announced that his running-mate will be a Zombie.

Social conservatives and Republican hard-liners welcome the move as they see it as an earnest attempt on the part of the McCain campaign to bring itself further in line with traditional conservative values. In his first press conference since accepting the offer to share the ticket, the Zombie said, "Unnnnnhhh...[gutteral sound]...brains."

"I feel McCain's choice of running mate will prove a distinct advantage for the Republicans come November," says Steven Dunlap of the Brookings Institution, a D.C.-based conservative think-tank. "The Zombie will prove to be an essential stabilizing counter to McCain's maverick tendencies."

Not everyone sees the move as a step in the right direction. Martha Reed, a retired sub-prime mortgage consultant feels that such a running-mate might send the wrong message abroad. "I know Zombies are misrepresented in the media, but does the Kremlin know that? What about that down-right charming President of Iran? In November, I'll be voting for security."

With the general election still months away, it is still uncertain whether the American public is ready for a Zombie in the White House.